A Bad Combination
by Oreithyia
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo had his first kiss with Inoue Orihime. Oddly enough, he finds himself regretting it. Badly. “Yuzu, why is Ichi-nii’s head in the toilet?” 'Tis Crack.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or anything associated with it whatsoever. Alas, and woe.

A Bad Combination

Kurosaki Karin realized two things upon returning home from soccer practice: 1. Somebody had made waffles, and 2. Her brother Ichigo had his head buried up to his flushed red ears in the toilet bowl. In that order.

Ichigo, who had changed into a t-shirt and jeans from his school uniform, she noted, was clinging onto the shiny white porcelain as though he planned to use it as an anchor to ride out a typhoon. Beside him, crammed into the small gap between the toilet and the sink, was her sister Yuzu, sandy-hair held back from her worried face by hair clips, concernedly rubbing soothing circles on their brother's back with her small hand. Far less useful was their father, wearing the white doctors coat he wore around the clinic, leaning against the wall just beyond the bathroom door.

One hand was idly flipping through the pages of a medical reference book while his eyes looked upward in an expression of supreme concentration, mumbling to himself.

"Mono? No. Botulism? No. Ebola Virus? No…"

"How the heck would I get the Ebola Virus?!" Ichigo bellowed, jerking his head up out of the bowl long enough to turn and yell at his father, the green tinge of his skin clashing magnificently with his orange hair.

Karin stood transfixed, one had still gripping the shoji she had slid open with that hand while holding her cleats in the other, while the 'tadaima' she had been about to say lay dead in her throat.

Or possibly it was just temporarily asphyxiated from laughter at the inanity of it all.

"Yuzu, why is Ichi-nii's head in the toilet?"

"Ah! Karin-chan," the younger of the two twins responded from the tiny bathroom, looking slightly surprised to just realize her dark-haired sister was standing in the open doorway of the house.

"Karin-chan!" her father greeted enthusiastically, slamming the medical text closed and stretching his face into a huge expression of beatific glee. "My other precious offspring has returned to the family fold!" He pushed forward from the wall with his arms wide open to give a powerful hug.

"You crazy idiot!" Karin replied as her flying kick buried her sock covered foot in the middle of her father's ecstatic expression. "Don't pay attention to me! Ichi-nii is sick!"

Turning away from the crumpled mass of deliriously happy parent piled unceremoniously against the wall, Karin looked at her watchful twin as her scowling brother turned his head back to the bowl to spit.

"Yuzu, what's wrong with Ichi-nii?" Karin asked, grimacing at the way her brother was worshipping the porcelain god.

"I don't know," Yuzu admitted apologetically. She didn't understand what could have gone so wrong. She had only left the room for a moment. "I left the room after making tea. Everything was fine then." The kind-hearted girl looked over her puzzled twins shoulder toward kitchen. The louder of the two twisted her torso to follow her sister's line of sight and started in surprise.

"Orihime?"

The older girl was huddled slightly against the wall of the kitchen, curling in on herself as if she hoped to become invisible. Her hands were covering her mouth and nose in a gesture of mortification, and her brilliant red blush was almost as bright as her orange hair.

"Orihime, you okay?" Karin asked as she strode across the wood floor sock footed to speak with the terribly embarrassed young woman.

Orihime virtually jumped away from the wall, nervously smoothing out her sundress with her hands.

"Yes! Yes, I'm perfectly alright!" Orihime declared with a bright smile and small hop that wasn't fooling anyone. Karin's incredulous expression must have told her so, because the long time family friend looked chagrinned and began to blush again.

"I… I don't know what happened," she whispered, eyeing the toilet bowl hugging Ichigo warily. "I just came over to thank Kurosaki-kun for everything he's done. We were standing together talking when I-I…" the busty girl cut off and buried her face in her hands. Her hands muffled her next words.

Karin arched an eyebrow and looked in confused annoyance at the taller girl. "Eh? Then what?" What in the world would make her brother tango with toilet like that?

"I kissed your brother," came the words in squeak.

Karin felt her jaw hit the floor as Orihime babbled out her explanation while visibly squirming with embarrassment. "It was just a quick kiss! He didn't seem to mind at first!" she insisted. "But then he turned really green like a pickle and ran for the bathroom!" Orihime peeked through her slender fingers at the gawking Karin. "Do you think I was that bad?"

Orihime didn't seem to notice as Karin continued to stare motionlessly in total disbelief. "Oh, well. I should probably be going now anyway. Maybe I should practice or something," she said to herself while stepping away from the frozen Karin.

Orihime picked up a basket neatly bundled in a pink cloth with a strawberry motif from the counter and turned back to her stunned counterpart. "I made these fresh before I came, they might make Kurosaki-kun feel better. I tried them myself to be sure they were good."

At that, Ichigo risked stimulating another Technicolor yawn and shot to his socked feet, causing Yuzu to jump back with a surprised gasp.

"No way! Not that!" The teenage boy jumped out of the bathroom and vaulted over his collapsed heap of a father. Ichigo swallowed a piece of soul candy in record time, and darted for the door in Shinigami form before Kon had time to slam face first into the hard floor courtesy of gravity.

"Hey! What's going on here?!" Kon demanded of Ichigo's retreating back as he vanished in an orange and black blur streaking down the street.

Yuzu stepped cautiously out of the bathroom to join her sister, who had finally shaken herself out of her stupor, and their father, who had peeled himself off of the floor and had taken in interest in Orihime's proffered basket.

"What is it, Orihime?" Yuzu asked innocently.

"Oh!" Orihime replied brightly, a cheerful smile appearing on her face. "It's my latest recipe! Deep Fried Coca-cola and Kim chi jelly doughnuts with extra whipped cream and brine!"

Karin and Yuzu clamped their hands over their mouths as Kon and their father battled over access to the toilet bowl.

There were no survivors

* * *

AN: It struck me one day that if Orihime ate all those crazy things she does, she would have some killer breath. The consequences that would follow if she kissed someone with that breath and residue on her lips crossed my mind, and thus this fic. was born.

For those of you who don't know what is, Wikipedia describes Fried Coke this way:

Fried Coke is frozen Coca-Cola-flavored batter which [sic] is deep-fried and then topped with Coca-Cola syrup, whipped cream, cinnamon sugar, and a cherry.

Kim chi is a Korean dish, the most famous version of which is pickled cabbage.

Review if you like it.


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